eV REVIEWS - PRODUCTS
Elvis-Brand
Low Pulse Vitamins Elviscorp debuted a new vitamin product today at the Pink Floyd Vitamin Festival promoting smooth, slow, low pulse performance. "Elvis LPV is the flaghip of our new low pulse nutrition program" says Bloyd Forks VP of Electric Elvis Product marketing. The brightly colored festival-style vitamins are best when floated in beer foam and served in total darknes by men with small hands. |
Hitler Brand ShitOil Spoons
The Hitler Brand Company has released a new ShitOil Spoon set steeped in traditional bavarian design. Available in sterling silver with rubber centers, HBC ShitOil Spoons claim to "retard pulp and enhance flavor". I can see retarding pulp, but enhancing flavor? I spoke with Letario Oiratel, HB's Director of Retardation and Flavoring "Hitorically CaCa or ShitOil Spoon have not had an impact on flavor, but this new generation of spoons features flavoring...It leaches off the spoon with each soiling...Genius technology - patented". These new spoons break ground, retard pulp AND really enhance flavor. |
Blummer Suck Chummers
Blummer, the largest manufacturer and distributor of chumming machinery in the world, today announced it's principal product line for next year with great fanfare at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood California. For months rumors have been circulating about a radical new chummer debut, and today those rumors were confirmed with the release of the Blummer Suck Chummer family. The new product lines combines Chinese theater art, GE hyperdyne super draw fans and a "desperation randomizer" to produce the worlds most powerful chumming performance ever recorded. We spoke with Moran Plag, Sr. Vice President of Product Vibration who told us "These new Suck Chummers will revolutionize the industry and aid mankind in many un counted and potentially meaningless ways...they are the Beatles of industrial chummers...capable of unbelievable chum mixing, misting, pulsing..." We tested all three with mind-blowing results. Each and every chummer exceed manufacturer specifications. We chummed enough material in our 7 day test to fill all of Wisonsin's silos |
There are three suck chummer models being released, description follows:
BSC-180c Suck Chummer
the smallest of the three chummers, designed for family or personal use. Some assembly required. Weighs 1345 lbs. Unit has a 24' diameter bell housing for exceptional suck and blow potential. Requires a modulated antenna 28' -37' height (not included). Sucks chum from buckets at 320 gal/hr Max. Blow max 478 gal/sec. Practical, affordable, foldable for easy storage. B-1300-SC-Yorga Suck Chummer
The midrange suck chummer is represented by the B-1300 series machines. Full assembly required. Targeted perfectly for mid-sized business, churches or conventions. These ultra-reliable suck chummers have vibration controls and thermal attitude adjustment to provide total control over a 63' bell housing diameter. Weight 3.8 tons. Requires eight un-modulated antenna's 43' - 94' (not included). Sucks chum at 2300 gal/minute min and 55000 gal/sec max. |