AMERICAN BALL SACK
French After Market Auto Product Causing a Stir
The Leplet SuperMax 500 Revolving Auto Ramp has made its US debut this week at an exclusive dealership in Dos Palos California. LePlet Engineering in France makes the SuperMax 500 for cars and the UltraSuperMax 1000 for trucks up to 96 wheels or 48 axels. When attached correctly by a dealer, the LePlet units work to place a ramp directly in front of the speeding vehicle providing an immediate vault into the air. While in the air the ramp revolves to its start position at the rear of the car, ready for another go round. Consumer groups are outraged at the number of deaths directly attributed to the controversial product, but sales remain brisk despite calls for removal by families of the 200+ dead. "They are flying off the shelves, despite all the noise troublemakers are making" said Ghag Bald Sales Manager for Rainbow Car and Pillow / Candle / Video Intl, the exclusive distributor of the LePlet product suite in America. |
Don't Just Stand There - Eat Something !My mother used to say "If you start eating, everyone else will" so I made myself into a self-starting, eating machine. Weighing in at just over 640 lbs. I break through floorboards, create havoc in public places and turn wait staff nightmares into reality. Think "The Meaning of Life" exploding man scene.
I pass so much cheese through my system I have been called "France on 2 legs". In theory I should be dead, but I'm better than ever because I take Elvis Low Pulse Vitamins (LPV) 8 times a day. I can stand on my tip toes to get at the bread basket and I am chased in alleys by fatso groupies who fancy my sexy ass line. I eat whole meatloafs at daybreak and deposit logs like cadavers in my private latrine at sunset. I rest when I can, move when I need to, love like a retarded monstrosity. Elvis LPV: Make it so ! |
KILLING WITH SPOONS
In country's all over the world, people are dying by way of spoon. "Every race, every creed, every age is losing people to spoons" say Dr. Sog Wilsona of the Institute of Maritime Spoonage "It can't be stopped...astronomical rise in spoon-related violence since the U.S. debut of Chocolate Vodka. "Don't go trying to blame this crap on Vodka" says Loris Kripe of Food Bowl Vodka, the largest vodka maker and distributor in Greenland. Dr. Wislona predicts that at this rate everyone will be dead by late summer. |
ASS-KICKING SCHOOOL OPENS
A major ass kicking school is slated to open somewhere in the greater Detroit area this spring. "It's a dream come true" says Varsity Seargent Drain who as a 6 time ass kicking world champion brings dicipline and pain to the practice floor. "Bring a shit spoon and a head bowl cause your gonna be face down in it from second 1" . Learn how fast or leave physically broken and mentally retarded - guaranteed. |
MAN FOUND IN TEST
A lost, skinny, idiotic man was discovered in a Califonia Test Guild Test at a testing facility in Bell CA. The test, a complicated 50+ page affair was left open to a southern facing window one afternoon. The filthy wierd crack-whore style man allegedly slipped in via the open windown and placed his sweating, shaking crack-whore body into the test. " He was found in the center of the middle of the end of the test" says Often Doppler manager of the test facility. "He used levers and cams to manipulate the test...there appears to be no critical damage to the test". Testing was temporarily postponed as the test guild found and removed the rotten and fetid, now shrinking and vomiting man from the test. |
HELL'S CHILI FIRE DESTROYS EVIDENCE
Evidence that Jesus Christ came from Mars was accidentally destroyed during an office party featuring Hell's Chili. "We dumped 2 cans into a pot and set it on the hot plate" says Liconda Drell "after 30 minutes we checked up on the warming chili and found that the whole office building had gone up in flames...the chili exploded and killed 121 workers" |
LEFFNER-TRILLMAN UNVEILS WORLD'S LARGEST MACHINE
imagine a machine with a footrpint 11 football fields in size and 48 stories in height. Now imagine that machine on tracks. Now imagine a suck pipe on the front capable of pulling in a mountain side. Introducing the WARLOCK 8800 WXT - A self-controlled planet planer designed to re-express extraterrestrial planet landscapes into human products like lamps and wigs. " We have demonstrated the capacities of a fully functional minature model in Nevada. We turned 100 acres of desert landscape into 75,000 lamps and 40,000 linear feet of blond wig hair." |
Bristol McFadden ARX Pushing Pull Smasher
Gains Market Acceptance in Peru Bristol McFadden Medical Devices anouunced today that they have entered an agreement with Groupo Scientifico to deliver 60 BM-ARX-PPX units over the next 24 months. Groupo Scientifico plans to utilize the pateneted, award winning pushing pull smashers to exlpore if the world was once flat "There is a growing body of evidence that many years ago the earth was flatter than a Norwegian wind pickle" offers Rodrigo Estude Gespacharon, PhD Director of Push Pull Smash operations at Grujuarta's open pit. "These new Smashers will definitively smash earth samples while pulling out answers about our origins" |
Another Man Found Inside CTG Test
Another man has been discovered inside a California Test Guild Test, The man, an obtuse, squalid, vibrating, slack-jawed, backward animal, had contrived a method of entering the test through a dog eared page. Aparently with a cam shaper and a lever, he was able to place himself in the very center, of the middle of the intro to the end of the tests center portion. A women taking the test was startled as she dicoverd the man, eating below a row of equations on page 26. This is the 14th incident of people breaking into the tests this year. CTG spokesman Dab Canals says the company is conducting a full investigation into test access and safety controls. |
Bacon Furniture Raises the Bar for Edible Furniture
International Furniture Exhibit, Paris France Today Stamford Home Products in conjunction with Mpatra Meat Stuffs introduced a new furniture line made primarily of bacon to a hungry audience at the International Furniture Exhibit in Paris. The new line includes Living Room, Bedroom and Bathroom furniture. The new furniture is both functional as furniture and edible. “You don’t have to eat it, but you can” says Roll Proid, Sr. VP of Marketing for Stamford Home Products. “Furniture dynamics are changing, as our peoples tastes…our polling shows that people will select a brand that serves more than just one purpose” adds Vindaloo Proost of Mpatra Meat Stuffs. The products were unveiled during the morning breakfast period, and manya happy showgoer was able to sample the quality meat, as a dozen bacon lamps fitted with cooking bulbs were turned into breakfast before their eyes. Based on The audiences enthusiastic response, It may very well be that this is the year that Bacon Furniture goes mainstream. - Rupert Skinny, Fried Food Today |
Hispanic Ape Man Chews Hole in Earth
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"I was starving to eat on that Mira Pueblita"
"It was eating Los Horchato's "
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